Imposter Guilt Syndrome
Like survivor's guilt, but everyone survived
Allowing myself to lose is to allow my negative thoughts to get the best of me. Because there are no negative feelings towards another, others are not who I need to fear. Just myself, and the thoughts I so impulsively create.
Based on totally anecdotal evidence from conversations with others, when exiting a romantic relationship there is a mental knot that remains. You slowly pick at it, pull, examine the routes the threads make and develop slow progress towards that knot getting smaller over time. That knot, much like our shoes, if left alone doesn’t prevent you from tying them well enough to continue about your life. But you know it’s there. You want to get that knot gone because it feels like you can’t move on until it is fully pulled free and you have the feeling of untouched and ready to tie threads once again. (Also I’m using the royal you for clarity here)
That knot consists of memories, associations, and photos. Self-doubt floods in when seeing these and I think to myself every time “How could I have messed that up? How will I find something as good as that?” Of course over time these thoughts have softened, and it’s become easier for myself to realize that it was not my fault, and I can absolutely find something as good as that. But those thoughts are still there, just lingering in the background like a knot that’s unnoticeable to anyone else.
Something I’ve started feeling more recently, is an immense sense of guilt. And I’ve never cheated on anyone, but this guilt is the feeling I imagine that would instill. When I started having sexual relations with others post-relationship, this guilt struck me in such a poignant and intense way that I had to take time to think about what I had done. Of course, what I had done is completely normal and acceptable, but my brain couldn’t accept that. I’d think to myself how I could’ve done such a thing. The conclusion I eventually brought myself to was; I did it because I needed to move on, and to grow.
There’s something about sex after a relationship that (depending on the type of person you are) can catapult self-reflection, self-correction, and self-connection. Be it through boosting confidence, or even simply allowing oneself to realize that there is always more out there for people to establish a romantic connection with. For the most part, these have all been applicable to myself. But even then I still think “Am I good enough? For what kind of person? Am I good enough for myself, or is this just my way of tricking myself into believing I am?”
I can disconnect and distance myself emotionally all I want during sex. However that same physical action carried so much weight emotionally with that previous person that it is basically impossible to remove that thought of any previous association with someone who felt closer than blood (Closer to me at least). Putting me into the thought cycle of why’s and how’s and other questions relating to intention, often negative.
For myself when I’m in these thought cycles of metaphorically beating the shit out of myself, I need to catch myself. Always involving something to the degree of “I am not doing anything wrong, and I haven’t done anything wrong.” Because I can forgive myself in the moment all I like, but if I don’t forgive myself for past actions, especially when not a single reasonable person I know would consider them to be wrong, I’ll only perpetuate this cycle of mental ass-beating because I will always refer back to that in which I did not forgive myself.
When all is said and done if I have successfully forgiven myself and experienced some sort of clarity, I then begin to see the grander picture for myself. In these circumstances where I have forgiven myself (putting aside whether or not I did anything wrong in the first place), I’m left with a better understanding of myself. Maybe meaningless sex is a necessary step for myself to heal and grow post-relationship. This may not be everyone’s conclusion, and it probably shouldn’t be. But this along with being able to accept my flaws and mistakes and proceed with the best intentions to mend those aspects of myself are the best that I can do, then it’s just that. The best I can do.
For anyone and everyone reading this, if you’re going through a situation where any relationship has been damaged; friend, romantic, family. Please promise me that you will do what you can to self-reflect, self-correct, and self-connect. With the best intentions possible. It’s the least you owe yourself.
The Music This Week??
Relating at least a little bit to the topics in this post, I definitely recommend Say That You Miss Me, by Mickey Darling. It’s a pop banger that you can blast in a convertible with the top down or cry in the shower too. Plus I don’t see enough Mickey recognition in the world so here’s what I can offer. Take care of yourselves, and see ya next time.